South Africa 2009: The Drakensberg


The Drakensberg: The Dragon Mountains. Ominous and foreboding: this was the mountain hideaway the cowardly Boer were making for. Having tasted the sharp end of our assault, they had turned tail and scurried for the rocky peaks of Southern Africa's highest mountain range. There was no choice: we had to pursue them. But to do so meant traversing the kingdom of the Zulu...

The Kingdom of the Zulu.

Girding our loins, we headed for a new base camp: Cayley Lodge. Surrounded by impassable mountains and water, the Lodge was an excellent strategic location selected by Mother to continue the campaign against the filthy Boer. It was tactically enhanced by the availability of miniature golf, a well-stocked bar and a swimming pool.

View from the Observation Post.

A number of punitive expeditions against the Boer guerillas were undertaken from Cayley Forward HQ. For the first of these we employed the services of a local guide who was able to take us deep into the heart of enemy territory.

Ever resourceful, he was able to show us some pristine examples of ancient Bushman rock art...

Danger was of course ever present, and a sharp look out was maintained at all times.

"Where are those pesky Boers?"

The enemy is sighted!

A tussle ensued, and the men fought bravely. We took our first casualty when a Boer .303 nicked Mark on the hand.

Mark shouting "Why I oughta...!"

Yellow-bellied as they are, the Boer hastily beat a retreat, refusing to stand and fight like soldiers. There was nothing for it but to put their land to the torch.

Scorched earth policy.

Mark and Fiona celebrate our victory, and Alex in a contemplative mood.

To the victors the spoils.

We were running low on supplies. The pilchards we'd purchased in Barberton with the baby had been used to build a defensive structure and most had been damaged or destroyed during the Boer attack. It was time to head for the nearest trading post to stock up!

Food for the lads.

A warning to outsiders? Some kind of cult shrine? We still don't know...

Those damn giraffe! They get pissed up, think they're OK to drive, and see what happens...

Alex arguing with a trader about the price of ivory and glass beads.

Shewing the kind of vegetation we had to hack through to reach civilisation.

This sheep was the strategic mastermind behind the campaign.

A few more shots of the Officers. Fiona was probably busy on an undercover mission or something at this point.

"Boers sir! Thousands of 'em..."

Still to come: Assault on Spioenkop, and Le Crazy Golf!!

Have you missed:

Part 1: South Africa Campaign 2009 and Key players
Part 2: Kruger National Park, part 1

Part 3: Kruger National Park, part 2 and Barberton again

South Africa 2009: Kruger Park Part 2, Asian poses and Barberton miscellany

OK, this post is basically just another image dump, more or less a visual archive to serve as the historical record of the campaign. Things were going well; we had the Boer on the run and had transformed into a battle-hardened strike force. Heading south from the Kruger National Park we struck out for Barberton once more in preparation to celebrate Granny's 90th birthday and Fiona's 33rd.

Alex rangefinding a mortar attack on Boer positions, just outside Satara camp, KNP.

I ordered a chicken sandwich and this is what I got. It's not chicken, and it's not a sandwich. It's not even dead. I was not pleased.

Fighting the Boers is thirsty business.

Asian Pose #1 - V sign; Sponsored by Ultimate Sports Nutrition

Alex coming down off the Impala Lily high, Pretoriouskop Camp, KNP

Sunset. Or maybe sunrise. We didn't sleep for three weeks straight, so I can't remember which side of daylight this was.

Just out of the Kruger Park the convoy stopped at a local farm to practice some scorch and burn tactics. I was supervising this when suddenly a rabid dog attacked. It was clearly trying to protect its owner or something. As I rapidly assesed the situation, Alex approached...

"I've got something to show you", he said shyly. He held up a small bundle. "Shit!" Fiona shouted. "It's a baby! No more than a few days old by the looks of it!"

The Coco-Pan, Barberton. Commandeered to serve as the Officers Mess, due to its fine menu of toasted sandwiches.

Mogs. Owner of the Coco-Pan, and mad as a bag of spanners.

We'd carried Alex's damn baby for miles, and it was started to whine. Lesson learned: don't take infants to war. They will hamper you. Fortunately Mark's quick thinking saved the day...

The solution to the baby problem. We swapped it for 200 crates of pilchards: rations for the men!

A couple of snaps of Fountain Baths Gentlemen's Club, which accomodated our Command Post for the duration of our stay in Barberton.

To help raise morale, and to show the knavish Boer that our spirits couldn't be dampened, we held a party. By a lucky coincidence, Granny turned 90 that day and Fiona turned 33. Mark entertained everyone with an impromptu display of Asian poses and Barberton's finest turned out to see and be seen.

Don't miss

Part 1: South Africa Campaign 2009

Part 2: Kruger National Park

South Africa 2009: Kruger National Park Part 1

An Impala Lily. Potentially has aphrodisiac qualities. Alex ate one and went on a week long rampage.

To get a feel for the land, we went on a safari, slaughtering everything in our path. Alex has gone into great detail about the size of the park (Wales), conspiracy theories surrounding the park, and a comprehensive list of the animals we shot and stabbed. I can't really add to it, other than to provide one or two snaps to fill the picture out a bit.

Our transport buggering off into the long grass.

Mother, laying out the campaign strategy

Thatch.

Alex, contemplating the brutality that would follow. So many young lives lost...

A view of the camp at dawn.

Holy crap - Lions! No tigers though: this isn't Kenya

Where does a giraffe go to get his Cadillac filled? Total, of course.

Roll on Meat Week...

Don't miss Part 1, South Africa campaign 2009...

South Africa Campaign 2009

Africa. The Dark Continent. Situated just south of Spain, Africa is one of the 7 largest continents in the world, and is a place of mystery, war and fear. Few Europeans have traversed its interior, and those who do return touched by madness, with a faraway look in their eyes.

Johannesburg, last week. A guard giraffe watches as a vehicle enters the technical shop.

In late June 2009 a crack squad was assembled to penetrate the Heart of Darkness. (Joseph Conrad apparently set his novella along the Congo River. South Africa - as geography buffs will know - is south of the Congo, and thus is more of a Colon of Darkness). Along the way these hardy adventurers encountered danger, excitement and recalcitrant natives. This is an account, in several parts, of the campaign, en Afrique.

Key Players

Alex

Mark

Fiona

Lynne

Alex, Mark, Fiona and I convened in Johannesburg. Our first task was to rendezvous with Mother at the head of the the First Column at HQ in Barberton. Our route took us over the treacherous Long Tom Pass, on a road we had to hack from the bare rock.

The road we built over Long Tom.

As we progressed, we came under intense enemy fire. Boers! A daring flanking attack led by Sotheran soon put the wind up the cheeky blighters and sent them packing. Final tally of Day One: One gun captured, no casualties. A resounding success!

Alex demanding the surrender of the Boer artillery.

Alex taking measurements of the weapon, which is to be installed in a memorial park in Central Rotherham.

At the going down of the sun, we will remember them.

A Boer devil, shortly before he felt the might of British steel.

Mike in 'Preset Madness'

Marcus and I met up with Mad Dog S----n earlier today. He's on the run again, apparently the mercenary business in the Congo didn't really work out and he got fed up with selling blood diamonds at a loss. So he's back in York, selling snake-oil and shiny trinkets, and writing a bestselling book.

If you want anything written I can put you in touch with him.

So anyway, after S----n's swearing got us into a brawl, and after our brawl got us chucked out of the bar, I managed to convince him to pose for a few portraits before he grows a full face beard and a Russian accent as a disguise, and disappears for another 4 years. It was kind of dull light, so I had to whack the ISO up to 1600. You know what that means, photo fans... noise central.


Thanks to The Power of Lightroom, however, I was able to chuck a bunch of presets out, hence making the noise appear to be an Artistic effect. Don't be fooled though, it's just a lazy way of jazzing up a picture.


Lightroom presets, for all you non-photo readers (hi Alex), automate actions in Lightroom. Lightroom (for all you non-photo readers) is a piece of software which catalogues your digital photos and lets you do some post production work on them. The presets can be pretty simple (straight black and white conversion) or ridiculously complex (cross-processed LOMO effect vignetter with Velvia effect contrast push).

Some of them worked better than others...

But overall the take home point here is that it's better off to take a quality picture to begin with rather than relying on your postproduction to try to rescue it. Ideally, I'd like that Canon EOS5d Mark II for its low noise/high ISO capabilities, but S----n had run out of blood diamonds so he ain't gonna get it for me.

It's just occurred to me that these have the air of having been shot in a South American prison. Which is exactly what they were. Excuse me while I try to flog these to the Telegraph for a story about British prisoners in foreign jails.

Prisoner 44321, being led back to his cell

Edinburgh

I walked round for a couple of hours the other day and took some photos. Here they are.

Some steps, and Edinburgh Castle.

Some kind of flower, in Marchmont.

A tree backlit by a street lamp. I'm gonna stick a black and white version of this on Flickr, see which one you prefer.

In other news, I'm thinking of becoming an MP, so I can claim some costly camera gear on expenses. Can I count on your vote?