Wednesday, August 05, 2009

South Africa 2009: "An erection the size of Texas"

Our last couple of days in South Africa. What a trip it had been: we'd altered the course of history, freed a country from the oppression of the Boer, bagged most of the animals in the Kruger Park and been to the centre of the planet. Here's a quick breakdown of some stats for you:
1089 = number of 'keepers' - the photos I've not deleted

34560 = number of minutes we stayed awake during the campaign

200 = crates of pilchards purchased with an infant

1 = new age 'ancient' monument debunked

582.4 = units of alcohol purchased in the Old Rock Café

789.3 = units of alcohol given us in the Old Rock Café by grateful civilians

33 = burgers consumed

3 = tons of gravel panned for gold

0 = Boer Republics left intact

All in all, a resounding success! Having been fêted by the Lord Mayor of Johannesburg, we were informed that our war booty would form part of a memorial display at the South African Museum of Military History, a tribute to our glorious success. Because Alex has a passing interest in things military, we decided to go along to have a look.

Suddenly being surrounded by a vast variety of weaponry caused Alex to momentarily flashback to the Drakensberg, when we were almost overrun by attacking Boer. In a rage, he tore a Messerschmitt from it's stand and kicked it into a crumpled pile of scrap.

Easy, Tiger.

Once he'd got it out of his system though, we were free to explore to our hearts content. Some of the stuff we captured from the Boers had already been installed, and frankly it was chilling to see it up close.

Alex, unperturbed by the massive challenge we'd overcome in utterly destroying the Boer.

As we made our way through the museum, Alex suddenly swooned. He was visibly overcome by the sight of a biplane in the second hall. Since we'd maintained total air superiority over the Boer for the duration of our campaign I hadn't bothered paying any attention to aircraft identification, but once he'd got his breath back Alex reliably informed me that what we were looking at was a rare surviving example of a SE5A, the plane which pretty much won the First World War for us. I think it would be fair to say that Alex had an erection the size of Texas when he saw that baby. And who can blame him.

Some guns and stuff.

We knew it! The Boer had been secretly developing biological weapons! Here's a suicide Springbok, trained to carry ordnance undetected into our lines! Thank god we flattened them before they had the chance to deploy! Note the Union flag behind - this is the one we hoisted over Spioenkop.

Alex, just prior to test firing some sort of cannon.


As a final treat, mere hours before we were airlifted out, we went to Montecasino, billed as "Gauteng's premier entertainment destination". A reconnaissance balloon from our campaign was on site, so we took a ride.

I tell you what, not being fired on by Boer sharpshooters made all the difference, and much fun was had by all.

Montecasino, contrary to our expectations, was not a reconstruction of the famous Italian hill. It was however a reconstruction of a quintessential Italian town - exactly what you'd hope to find on the plains of Africa.

As with authentic Italian villages, you are searched for guns before you enter.

Alex is utterly perplexed by what looks exactly like an Italian town, built in a humongous warehouse and stuffed with designer shops and a casino.

This was more baffling than the Mind Buggering™ bridge at Maropeng!! We took refuge in a nearby bookstore, where Alex found religion again...

...and then caught up with David Icke and Paris Hilton.

Vivian, a gentleman to the end, graciously posed for some snaps - time that OK! South Africa would have paid millions of rands for.

Time to wrap(p) this holiday up.

11,000 metres above Marseille. I hope I remembered to take the elephant tusks out of my baggage...

Finally, on board the military transport on the way home, the pressure lifted, the terror slowly evaporated and I drifted into the first sleep I'd had in three weeks...

If you've reached this point and are thinking "WTFWTF? This is not LOLZ!" you need to go back and do some catching up:

Part 1: South Africa Campaign 2009
Part 2: Kruger National Park, part 1
Part 3: Kruger National Park, part 2
Part 4: The Drakensberg
Part 5: Miniature golf and Battle of Spioenkop
Part 6: Barberton and The Old Rock Café
Part 7: Swazi Black Hawk Down and Adam's Calendar flim-flammery
Part 8: Gold!

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